My Last Stick

There is always these group of people at the office who will tap my shoulder and ask me to join them outside for a smoke. Having a work like mine wherein you need to think a lot about coding, logic and designs, this invitation is heaven sent.

Every now and then even if there is no one inviting me, I get out of my chair, go outside and smoke. This helps me clear my head, think about the current or next tasks, and give me a pump of much needed adrenalin.

I can still remember my first stick. I was in high school and a neighbor of ours stole a stick from his dad. We were playing at their backyard and we tried it. I didn’t like it. After a few more years I tried it again during college thanks to my friends who are already smoking that time. This time even if I did not like it, I just continued smoking until it became a habit already.

Years passed and I kept on smoking but hiding it from people whom I know would disapprove of it namely my parents. Although I continued this habit, I never got to the point where I can finish a whole pack a day. It is just an average of ten sticks.

I also like to test myself if I could stop smoking so every other year I would quit cold turkey. Then after one year being clean, after I am being confident that I can quit anytime because I know I could, I will go back to smoking.

Brands that I have tested are Winston Red, Marlboro Red, Marlboro Menthol, Marlboro White, Marlboro Black, and some imported brands I can’t remember. I have also tried to taste cheap ones but I hated it.

I ride my bicycle to and from work. Although it is just a kilometer away from where I live, there are times when I need to catch my breath. No doubt it is because of my smoking. In my head I need to refrain from it or completely stop. This was a year ago. Again, what proved to be effective for me is cold turkey. But this time I want to quit for good, so I needed to have a reminder.

I asked my girlfriend to buy me one of those test tubes, wrote the date on a small paper, sealed it then placed it inside a vault.

Like any other people who quit smoking I went through various stages of withdrawal. It is not easy because the urge is in my heart and in my mind. Even now that I am writing this post, I feel the need to smoke. Luckily I am stronger now and I can fight it.

Every now and then I have these dreams that I am smoking and I immediately regret it because I’m thinking I broke my streak. When I wake up I have this sigh of relief.

If I have a chance to make a do over, I will never even try it. For me once you tried smoking you can never be free of it, even if you already quit. The urge is still there and the damage has already been done.

#SmokingHabits #QuittingSmoking #HealthJourney